


Feeling With My Thousand Feels

by UnlockTheRainbow



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 12:09:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnlockTheRainbow/pseuds/UnlockTheRainbow
Summary: Ava hissed when Sara sat down on her lap. She didn’t mean to, but she had been lost in thought and didn’t see the smaller blonde coming.Sara frowned, looking at her with concern. ‘Are you okay baby?’ She asked, a hand coming up to stroke a strand of hair out of Ava’s face.Sara’s frown deepened when Ava flashed her a quick smile but wouldn’t quite meet her eye as she said: ‘Just a muscle ache. Leg day today.’ Ava could only hope Sara wouldn’t think anything of it and just let it be.-OR-Ava finds out she's a clone and she's not handling it well.





	Feeling With My Thousand Feels

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> This idea popped into my head and I just couldn't let it go. 
> 
> There is a description of self harm as well as a lot of mentions to it, so please be careful when reading it if that's a possible trigger for you! Stay safe!
> 
> It's angst with a happy ending basically.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Title is from 'Change' by Sir Sly

Ava hissed when Sara sat down on her lap. She didn’t mean to, but she had been lost in thought and didn’t see the smaller blonde coming.

 

Sara frowned, looking at her with concern. ‘Are you okay baby?’ She asked, a hand coming up to stroke a strand of hair out of Ava’s face.

 

Sara’s frown deepened when Ava flashed her a quick smile but wouldn’t quite meet her eye as she said: ‘Just a muscle ache. Leg day today.’ Ava could only hope Sara wouldn’t think anything of it and just let it be.

 

Worry was setting in the pit of Sara’s stomach as she tried to get Ava to look at her, but the taller blonde skilfully evaded eye contact. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Sara asked, keeping her voice low, so the rest of the team couldn’t hear it.

 

After Ava had told Sara ‘there was no her to love’, she had tried to give the taller blonde some space to figure it out on her own. After a few days, Ava had come back to her, apologising for the way she reacted and asking Sara for another chance. Sara didn’t even have to think twice about it. Kissing Ava and saying she didn’t have to apologise for anything.

 

That was a little over a week ago and things between them were… Good. Sara had tried to get Ava to talk about her feelings on being a clone a few times, but every time Ava deflected and changed the topic.

 

At first Sara had tried to let it be, she had tried to give Ava the emotional space to figure things out for herself. She didn’t want to push Ava too hard, scared she would run away again. But Sara knew she couldn’t ignore this forever. She knew Ava wasn’t okay and she was growing increasingly worried about her.

 

She knew Ava wasn’t okay by the doubt that flickered in her eyes each time Sara said she loved her. She knew it by the way Ava hugged herself protectively when she got lost in thought. She knew it by the way Ava had started fidgeting with her hands, something she never did.

 

They also hadn’t had sex since they found out Ava was clone. Of course, Sara didn’t care about that, she loved the girl, also if she didn’t get to see her naked all the time. But it was odd, Ava had never been shy about her body or her desires. She was often the one who started and to have that all drop to nothing so suddenly, kept Sara up at night.

 

For someone who insisted they were perfect and peachy, Ava sure didn’t act like it. And Sara, frankly, had enough. She decided it was time they had a real conversation about it and she wasn’t going to let the taller blonde change the subject again this time.

 

 

 

 

That evening, the rest of the team had gone out for a drink together, Sara had conveniently declined the invitation, claiming she just wanted a quiet evening with Ava. Ironically, seeing their lack of physical intimacy, that had gotten her a lot of ‘ooohh’s’.

 

The captain had grabbed a bottle of scotch and two glasses and led Ava to her quarters on the Waverider. She poured Ava a drink and handed it to her, before pouring herself a healthy two fingers too and chugging it back immediately, needing the liquid courage.

 

Ava laughed at that and sipped her own drink. ‘Because you like the taste of scotch, I’m sure?’ She said, still smiling at the smaller blonde.

 

Sara grimaced before refilling her glass. ‘No… Well yes, I like the taste of scotch. But no, I wanted to talk to you about something.’ She started, eyes finding Ava’s.

 

The director sighed and sat herself down on a chair. ‘Oh no, what did you do now?’ She asked jokingly, trying to play it off nonchalantly.

 

Sara frowned at her. ‘Don’t do that Ava, don’t pretend like you don’t know what’s bothering me. Please baby, talk to me, are you okay?’ She asked her, her voice soft.

 

Ava tried her best not to look at Sara, she knew the soft look of concern on the captain’s face would make her façade crumble. Of course, she wanted to tell Sara everything, but she just couldn’t make the words leave her lips.

 

Ava is usually pretty good ad conveying her feelings, usually it was Sara who needs the pushing and the prodding and even then, it was difficult to get Sara to open up, but Ava had gotten better at it over time.

 

Right now, though, Ava just doesn’t have it in her to try and explain how, exactly, she has been handling finding out she is a future clone thing. She feels guilty for not letting Sara in, but the shame she feels at the thought of telling her is enough to shut out any guilt.

 

But when Sara looks at her with nothing but love in her eyes, and asks her in a soft, sad voice if she’s okay, Ava wants to curl up and cry in her arms. But she couldn’t do that to Sara, the captain had too much on her plate already, without Ava adding her pathetic coping mechanisms to the pile.

 

So, she had to get Sara to stop throwing those soft, loving looks at her, because if she kept that up, Ava didn’t stand a chance.

 

‘Sara I’m fine. Can you stop worrying about me and focus on stuff that’s really important’ Ava said, looking down at her hands and trying to figure out how to get Sara to stop prodding.

 

‘Baby, you told me a two weeks ago that ‘there was no you to love’ but you’re fine? Seriously?’ Sara asked, as she tried to keep her voice down. ‘Do you really expect me to believe that?’ She said, her voice rising with her frustration. ‘Besides, you are important to me, so I am, in fact focussing on ‘stuff that’s really important’.’ She finished, her fingers making air quotes around the last few words.

 

Ava just looked down at her fidgeting hands. She still sat silently on a chair in Sara’s quarters, while the smaller blonde paced up and down in front of her, gesturing wildly as she spoke.  

 

‘Yes, I am fine. I needed a few days to figure out how I felt and how to handle it and when I did, I came back and apologised. So yes, now I’m fine.’ Ava said defiantly, still looking at her fidgeting hands.

 

Sara took a deep breath to calm down. She wasn’t very good with feelings herself, always just putting them in a box and locking the box. But now those feelings were plaguing Ava instead of her and all Sara wanted to do was take the pain away, but she didn’t know how to, when Ava didn’t even want to admit she was in pain.

 

‘Okay, then walk me through the process of how you handled it Aves?’ Sara said, wanting desperately for the taller blonde to let her in and let her help.

 

‘Sara just let it go please. I’m fine. I promise.’ Ava stated firmly starting to grow annoyed with the assassin’s prodding. She straightened her spine to convey a sense of confidence that she very much didn’t feel.

 

Sara caught on immediately, throwing her hands up in a frustrated manner. ‘I don’t believe you Ava! How can you say you’re fine when you’re three seconds away from crying? You won’t even look at me!’ Sara said, her voice bordering on yelling.

 

She didn’t understand why Ava wouldn’t share her feelings with her. It’s not like Sara would laugh or something. She had seen those clones too and it was extremely unsettling, even for her. She could only imagine how it must have been for Ava.

 

Ava stood up out of her chair, gesturing between herself and Sara as she said in a raised voice: ‘Jesus Sara! I just don’t want to think about it anymore, let alone talk about it! I thought you of all people would understand! You like to drown your feelings in scotch instead of talking about them. Why do you want me to talk about mine? Also! I’m not three seconds away from crying!’

 

Ava knew she was starting to be mean to Sara and she felt it like a knife through her heart. But she desperately needed Sara to be upset with her instead of the softness she didn’t deserve.

 

‘This isn’t about me Ava! Why are you so hellbent on shutting me out?’ Sara yelled back, clenching her fists at her sides. She closed her eyes for a second, nostrils flaring as she tried to remain calm. ‘I just want to help you baby. I can see that you’re hurting and all I want to do is take care of you. Just tell me what I can do to help.’ She added, softening her voice and taking a tentative step towards Ava.

 

Sara was really being uncharacteristically patient with her and Ava really didn’t know how to handle it. She needed Sara to stop needling her about this, so she bit back: ‘How do you expect to help me when you can’t even help yourself.’

 

Sara gaped at her for a few seconds, face completely blank of emotions for a few moments. Then hurt flashed through her eyes, which was quickly pushed down by the anger that returned to the assassin’s face. ‘Well fuck you Ava! I know you’re hurting but don’t take it out on me!’ Sara yelled.

 

Ava stopped herself from smiling, this Sara she could handle. And because Ava just couldn’t help herself, she decided to pour gasoline on the fire in Sara’s eyes. ‘Well if you don’t like this me you can always go back to 2213 to get another!’ She yelled back.

 

The look on Sara’s face told her she’d gone too far. The words that came out of Sara’s mouth only confirmed it. ‘Get. Out.’ Sara said coldly, pointing at the door. The dread that filled Ava’s stomach at those words was freezing, but she quickly swallowed it down and opened up a portal into her apartment. Without looking back, she walked through it and let it close behind her.

 

It was easier to fight with Sara than to be pitied and worried about. Besides, she didn’t deserve more than this anyways.

 

Back in her own apartment, Ava let the tears that she’d been holding, in stream down her face. Of course, Sara had been right, she had been three seconds away from crying. And now she was no longer in front of the captain, she could let the tears fall.

 

She started pacing up and down, rubbing her thumb over the palm of her hand, trying to soothe the itch before it could manifest in her very bones. Not that she expected it to work, it never really did, but she couldn’t help but try.

 

She kept pacing up and down the living room, as that nagging voice in the back of her head got louder and louder. _You’re not real. Not real. You can’t trust yourself. Your feelings aren’t real. You’re not real. Sara doesn’t love you, because you’re not a real person. And now you made her hate you. But I guess she also can’t hate you. Because you. Are not. real._

Ava didn’t even realise what she was doing until she felt the cold tiles of her bathroom floor on her thighs. She was drowning, and she needed something to pull her back above the water. Not that it ever really helped, it just soothed the restlessness for a little while.

 

The razor blade was in her hands, and she had pulled the legs of her boy shorts up to be faced with the dark red lines she had drawn there. Last night she was also in this position. And the night before that. It had become some sort of sick routine and she hated it. But she also needed it.

 

Without thinking too much Ava drew the blade across her thighs, mesmerised by the blood that was welling up from the cut. She repeated the action again. And again. And again. Until finally the voice in her head quieted down to a whisper and her tears stopped falling.

 

Ava let her head fall back against the wall and closed her eyes, revelling in the quietness inside her head. She grabbed a wad of toilet paper and dabbed the drying blood away as best as she could.

 

She knew she should probably clean her cuts better than just some toilet paper and some water, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually care enough to do so. Ava just pulled her boy shorts over the injured thigh and stood up, sighing. Maybe she could get a bit of sleep while it was still quiet in her head.

 

 

 

Back on the Waverider, the team was thankfully still out, so they couldn’t hear the strangled cry that came from Sara’s quarters. Or the shattering of glass that came after, when Sara threw her empty glass against the wall. Gideon, to her credit, also stayed silent.

 

She was shaking. How could Ava think that she would just get ‘another’ when she didn’t like the way Ava was behaving. She knew she was being harsh to kick Ava out like that, but she felt herself getting white-hot with anger. And she knew she would only try and hurt Ava more than Ava hurt her if she let her stay.

 

Sara picked up the bottle of scotch and took a swig straight from the bottle. Bottle in hand she stormed to punching bags. She really needed to hit something. She barely took the time to sloppily wrap her hands, before throwing her fists into the bag with every spit of anger she felt.

 

In the hours that followed she only stopped her punching and kicking to take deep drinks of the scotch. Only after the bottle was empty and the assassin’s muscles were heavy and aching did she let herself slow down to a stop.

 

She tried to think of how she could get the director to just talk to her, but she came up short. She didn’t understand what that brain of Ava was saying, but she just wanted to tell it to shut the fuck up and stop hurting her girlfriend. However, she couldn’t do that if Ava didn’t let her in to do precisely so.

 

She recognised Ava’s behaviour. She’d seen it many times in herself. Just push everyone away until they stop caring and then you can eventually just stop caring too. At least that’s what she hoped every time she tried, but she knew it never really worked. There was a lot of shit in Sara’s life that had gotten pushed down to the depths of her soul. Only to be let out when she was completely alone, with a bottle of scotch and a punching bag.

 

She got back to her quarters and fell onto her bed. Ava’s side as empty as she felt inside. She would let them both cool off tonight, but tomorrow she was going to Ava’s apartment and making the taller blonde understand just how much she cared about her.

 

 

 

 

Ava had spent most of the night on the verge of sleeping but not quite being able to. It left her with a headache and bleary eyes. She groaned against the sunlight bathing her bedroom in a harsh light. She had probably forgotten to close the curtains last night.

 

She forced herself to sit up and rubbed her face in hopes of forcing some of the sleepiness from her eyes. It worked a tiny bit. Ava sighed and decided a shower would be helpful.

 

In the bathroom, she peeled her underwear from her thighs. In the night some of her cuts had gotten stuck to her underwear and when she peeled it off, she made some of them bleed again.

 

She stepped in the shower and grimaced against the stinging. She thought it was kind of funny that making the cuts didn’t hurt at all, but when she stepped in the shower they stung like sons of bitches.

 

She took her time washing herself, letting the warm water seep into every inch of her, soothing her. She was only beginning to realise how badly she fucked up yesterday and she wished she could take it all back. She knew she had to either tell the smaller blonde at one point or end the relationship, because she knew she couldn’t keep this up.

 

And no matter how scared she was of telling Sara, she was as many more times scared of having to go through life without the assassin by her side. She sighed, letting her head fall back so the stream of hot water hit her face, drowning out every sound.

 

She walked into her bedroom with a towel wrapped around her and one in her hair, looking through her phone for any messages from a certain someone. Nothing. She hadn’t expected any, not really. It wasn’t Sara’s style to have that big of a fight and then just text her.

 

It was very much Sara’s style however, to just show up in her bedroom unannounced, sitting in a chair like she owned the place. Which is exactly what Ava found as she walked into her bedroom.

 

‘Look Ava. Before you start, I borrowed the time courier from Gary. No, I didn’t ask I borrowed as in took it without asking.’ Sara started, knowing exactly what Ava was going to say first.

 

Ava just stood nailed to the ground. She was painfully aware of how much thigh the towel around her body was covering. Not nearly enough. Sara hadn’t noticed yet and Ava thought about ways she could prevent Sara from seeing it. Ava moved to casually take the towel out of her hair and hang it in front of her body, but it was already too late.

 

‘And I know it wasn’t the best move to just show up her but baby we really have to – ‘ Sara continued, but she stopped dead when her eyes fell on the red lines on Ava’s thighs. ‘talk’. She finished blowing all the air out of her lungs with that last word.

 

Ava knew the exact moment Sara saw them. Her eyes going wide with shock and then coming up to her face with worry and… love. There was still so much love in her eyes. Love Ava really didn’t expect to be there after Sara found out. The director had expected pity and disgust at her weakness. Anger maybe even. But she could find none of that in Sara’s eyes.

 

Ava still stood frozen in her tracks as Sara slowly walked up to her. She took Ava’s face in both her hands and softly kissed her forehead.

 

‘It’s okay my love. You don’t have to be ashamed. Have you cleaned them properly?’ Sara asked softly.

 

It broke Ava’s heart and the tears in her eyes started to spill over as she silently shook her head.

 

‘Okay. Let’s take care of that first, yes?’ Sara said, still making sure to speak softly. She knew she was getting really close to something very personal and she couldn’t bear the thought of startling Ava with a too loud voice right now.

 

Ava nodded limply and let Sara take her hand and lead her to the bathroom once again. She sat Ava down at the toilet and rummaged through the cupboards until she found what she was looking for.

 

The assassin quickly and efficiently cleaned Ava’s cuts and bandaged the deeper ones that hadn’t closed over yet. After she was done, she took Ava’s hand again and led her back to the bedroom.

 

Ava’s head started to catch up to her body around the time they were back in the bedroom again.

 

‘I’ll go put on some pyjamas okay?’ She quietly asked the smaller woman in front of her. Sara nodded and took a seat in the chair once more.

 

When Ava was all done, she got unto the bed, setting the pillows upright so she could lean against them. ‘Join me?’ She asked Sara, who was looking at her from her seat in the chair. Sara smiled and nodded, before walking over to Ava and sitting next to her on the bed.

 

‘Can I hold your hand?’ Sara asked carefully. She didn’t want to do anything that could possibly make the taller blonde uncomfortable. Ava nodded and moved her hand towards Sara’s.

 

The smaller blonde took a deep breath. ‘Look, I understand why you didn’t want to tell me, and I respect it too. So, if you want to continue not talking about it, you don’t have to, and I will stop prying. But Ava I want to help. That’s the only thing I want to do. It kills me to see you hurting like this and if I could, I would just take away the pain, but I can’t. the only thing I can offer is my help.’ Sara said, barely taking a breath between sentences.

 

‘You could just kill me. That would take the pain away.’ Ava retorted almost too soft for Sara to hear.

 

‘Is that something you think about Aves?’ Sara asked, barely keeping her tears in her eyes at the thought of this beautiful woman leaving this world.

 

‘It’s not like it would be that big of a deal. You could very easily get another just like me. Why should I have to go through all these feelings when there is another one like me who could take my place just like that.’ Ava said, snapping her fingers at those last words.

 

‘Oh Ava. My sweet, sweet Ava.’ Sara murmured while stroking the taller blonde’s hair. ‘There is no one like you. Not anywhere, and not anywhen. The fact that you _feel_ like this –‘ She started.

 

‘Like shit’ Ava interrupted, a small smile playing around her lips.

 

‘Yes, like that.’ Sara continued, also smiling softly. ‘It just proves that you are real. That you have, in fact feelings that weren’t manufactured, because why would they program ‘the perfect woman’ to do that to themselves?’ Sara asked. The feelings she was having slowly transforming into words she could convey to Ava.

 

‘Baby the fact that you are flawed, makes you different. It makes you who you are. The sweet, brave, incredible Ava I have come to know and love.’ Sara continued, a fond smile still on her lips and hands still stroking Ava’s hair.

 

‘And I’m not saying it’s okay what you’re doing. It’s not a healthy coping mechanism, but hey, I know all about that. I’m basically the queen of unhealthy coping mechanisms.’ Sara finished her little monologue, taking Ava’s head in both her hands and making their eyes meet.

 

‘I love you Ava Sharpe.’ She said, trying to let as much of that love as possible shine in her eyes.

 

Ava actually listened to Sara for once, instead of only to the nagging voice in the back of her head. Rationally, what Sara said made a lot of sense. They wouldn’t have programmed someone who was supposed to be the perfect woman, with a flaw that big. That thought quieted down the voice a little bit more. But she was far from ready to completely accept that knowledge.

 

‘I’m sorry for what I said to you yesterday, Sara. I was way out of line, but I was scared, and you kept prying and I needed you to stop. But I shouldn’t have said that and I’m sorry.’ Ava said, for the first time in weeks, actually, truly meeting Sara’s eyes.

 

‘Apology accepted baby, it’s okay. And I don’t expect one little speech from me to suddenly fix everything, I know you’re still hurting, and I know you can’t just suddenly stop thinking awful things. But I want you to know I’m here for you baby. I’m here and I’m not going to leave you.’ Sara answered.

 

She needed Ava to know she didn’t expect her to be ‘cured’ or something all of a sudden, because she realised that that isn’t how this type of thing works.

 

‘I know Sara. I know you want to help, and I feel kind of stupid for not trusting you enough to let you in. I was just afraid that you would be disgusted or just pity me or something and I couldn’t take that.’ Ava started to explain, and all Sara could do was smile encouragingly and hope that she would continue.

 

‘I also felt like you had enough on your plate already with everything that has been happening and I didn’t want to add to that pile.’ Ava continued, casting her eyes down in shame again.

 

Sara gently grabbed her chin and made Ava look back up at her again. ‘You are the most important to me Ava. I would – I have – broken every rule in the book for you Ava. And I will always do so. You come before anything else.’ Sara said smiling lovingly at her girlfriend.

 

‘I love you Sara Lance.’ Ava said, feeling sure of at least that one emotion for now. ‘And I promise you that I want to talk about it more, but I have barely slept all night and I could really use a nap.’ Ava said, moving closer and placing a gentle kiss on Sara’s lips.

 

‘We can absolutely do that. I haven’t slept well either. But I can be the big spoon for once!’ Sara answered, smirking.

 

Ava grinned back at her ‘Okay but only for this one time, you’re just too short! My butt is all the way down to your knees!’ Ava said, even as she turned to lie down in the requested position.

 

‘Oh, hush tiny one.’ Sara grinned back, positioning herself behind ava, her knees in fact touching Ava’s butt. ‘Sleep tight Aves, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’ She added, softly stroking Ava’s hair.

 

Ava grumbled contently and let herself drift off to sleep, focussing on Sara’s hands stroking through her hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> I'm okay too, I did write this to get some emotions off my chest but I'm fine.


End file.
